The Archive

Happy Cleavage Day

I'm reliably informed that today is National Cleavage Day, an ancient and traditional holiday not even slightly made up by (probably) a bra company.

Since time immemorial man has celebrated this splendid festival which originated as the pagan festival of Czechemout, a holiday in honour of Eyborl, the ancient god of staring. In those days, druids would wander through the village with strands of ivy and, if you were favoured by the heavens, one of these would be popped between your tender, firm young breasts and 9 months' good luck was assured to you. (Hey, don't complain to me, it's not my fault the ancient ones liked firm, young breasts).

Gradually, of course, Christianity overtook the land.

At this time, much like they did with the pagan Eostre which was to become the Easter we know today, the newly arrived Christians thought it simpler to adapt the festivals they found, rather than build an entirely new holiday schedule from scratch and force everyone to buy new Gary Larson desk calendars.

Thus, the Christians introduced Ogletide, a holiday devoted to Mary Magdalene. Or parts of her, at least.

In Ogletide, people would come together and share the traditional meal - two hard boiled eggs, to be eaten without utensils - and then play the parlour game 'I's Here' in which players have long, fascinating conversations with each other without ever making eye contact.

Thus it was until the time of Henry VIII and the separation of the church of England from the Catholic Church. Henry declared this day a time to contemplate the great division, and renamed it in honour of England's being cleaved from the Church of Rome.

Of course, being Henry VIII, he also kept all the stuff about boobs. And so began the National Cleavage Day we celebrate in modern times.

Of course, as you know, thanks to advances in agriculture, the age-old boiled eggs have been replaced by celebrants feasting on a lovely, juicy pear. Also, thanks to advances in social thinking, the game of 'I's Here' is generally replaced by several rounds of 'Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Just As Well Because Sexual Role Allocations Are A Largely Social Construct And Strength Differentials Mostly Irrelevant In The Modern Technological World'. Or sometimes Boggle.

So there it is. Happy Cleavage Day!

Have fun everyone.

And send topless pics. After all, it's tradition.

posted by Peter The Great @ 7:39 PM