The Archive

Bootiful

Hurrah! We have made it to Turkey. Day 3, no deaths, little humiliation and a tremendous number of columns doric, ionic and of course, Corinthian.

Managed to fly to Izmir airport in fairly short order and got ourselves a couple of hire cars.

We then proceeded towards Izmir.

Did you know, Izmir is also known as Smyrna? We didn't, which is why we failed to follow the few road signs the Turks bothered to put up, as they pointed to Izmir.

On top of that, it turns out the people of Izmir have a pathological aversion to allowing cars to turn either left or right, which is why, after a mere hour and a half driving (including a nice trip to way the other side of the bay), when we passed right by the front door of our hotel, we still managed to get filtered for another four or five miles because the bastards wouldn't let us get off the road.

Never mind, we made it, that's the main thing.

So we arrived and checked in.

To my horror, the room included a picture window. Not, in and of itself, such a bad thing, you might think. However, this was a window between the bedroom, and the bathroom, affording me an unrivalled and equally unwanted view of Exflatmate Mark soaping up his salty balls in the shower.

Thanks Hotel Movenpick.

Fortunately, it tuned out there was a blind in the window which we managed to figure out in the end, so there was no need for careful eye aversion.

So, we popped out for a nice dinner before an early night, because we are tired and old.

Day 2 - Efes. Not the beer (for such is the local brew name), the site. Not just any site either, this was a trip that encompassed a world class ancient ruin, an honest to goodness wonder of the ancient world, and a fashion show in a darkened hut. Of course.

First up, we jumped into our tour bus which took us to the house of Mother Mary. That's right, the birthplace of the mother of God herself.

All I can say is, if that's where she had to live, then she clearly lacked the nagging ability of the stereotypical Jewish mother. It was a tiny little shack, identical to a number of other tiny little shacks.

But apparently, some nun in Germany yada yada yada, probably a miracle, yada yada yada, loads of tourists rather conveniently visiting the area.

It wasn't all disappointing though, this was also the location of the finest toilet I have encountered since Riga. It was a beautiful little urinal with a glassless window (aka hole in the wall) looking out over the valley (Mary lived on a hillside, y'see). Quite lovely.

OK, moving on, our guide took us to Ephisys aka Efes aka about two hours in the baking sun with barely a mulberry tree for shade.

It was, in fairness, a super amazing site and the first time I've really been able to imagine how it was in ancient times. There were two amphitheatres, a classical toilet (not as nice as the one at Mother Mary's), a library and a brothel - what more could a person possibly want?

So, after photos of us posing classically in a number of locations, it was on for a nice spot of lunch and a carpet making demonstration. This demo went like this...

"Here are some silk cocoons. We boil them, scratch them a bit with this brush then unravel the silk. Then we make carpets. Would you like to buy one? Oh go on. Look at the weave on that. That's silk on silk, that is, and a double knot too, not like the single knot those lazy Arabs use. Free shipping? No? Really? How much you ask? A bazillion pounds. Ok goodby thanks for taking the tour."

The carpet were beautiful and unaffordable (like certain women of my acquiantance - ooh, zing!).

Right, now it's off to the museum (mostly boring but air conditioned - did I mention it was 40 degrees! Also, a good statue of Artemis wearing the ever fashionable bulls' testicle waistcoat.)



See? Bulls' balls

Then next door to see one of the amazing wonders of the ancient world... a single old pillar!

Yes, that is basically all that is left of the Temple of Artemis. But I've now seen it, so big air tick for us and our travels.

Now what could finish a day of the finest sightseeing the classical world has to offer? Why yes, your absolutely right, a fashion show in a leather emporium in a darkened hut in the middle of nowhere.

The guide was, to his credit, mortally embarrassed that he had to take us to this thing.

We, on the other hand, didn't care because they gave us free drink. We took our seats and the show began.

There was a little catwalk where a handful of models strutted up and down, looking about as enthused to be there as if they were about to ask us 'would you like fries with that'.

Then, suddently, one of the women came off the catwalk and offered me her hand.

Now one of my key rules in life is 'when a fit woman says 'would you like to come with me?' you say 'yes'' because let's face it, she probably isn't going to take me backstage and get me to join in a model-based sex orgy - but would you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if that was maybe, just maybe, what it was about?

I wouldn't.

So, she took me backstage... and put a leather jacket on me.

Don't forget, it's 40 degrees, and now I'm wearing a fucking jacket. Jesus!

Anyway, it turns out I'm due to walk down the catwalk with fit girl,which is something I'm totally ok with. So down I went, modelling the (ugly) jacket and generally laughing heartily at the absurdity of it all.

Oh, and Atul has the tail end of it on video if you want to ask to see it when we're back.

So now I am, officially, a catwalk model. Well, an ex-model to be honest, as I've done all I wanted to do in the modelling world now, so it's time to move on I think.

So, perhaps unsurprisingly, we were then taken into another room and offered more unaffordable and unattractive leather goods.

We didn't buy any.

Right, gotta go for dinner. More later (maybe).

Toodles!

posted by Peter The Great @ 5:37 PM