Poorly googled factsheet - Burns Night
Happy Burns night everyone, that most precious celebration of life in which we honour the person of that man of men, that poet, that inextinguishable character, C Montgomery Burns.How to host a Burns Night
A traditional Burns night begins with a ceremony known as 'Piping in the guests' in which invitees arrive through a large perspex tube powered by compressed air.
Piping in the guests
This is followed by a welcome and a recitation of the Selkirk Grace, which goes as follows.
Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.
The Selkirk Grace is largely viewed as a beautiful and moving reminder to us all to be thankful that nowadays we have spellcheck.
The Grace is followed by the piping in of Haggis, who lumbers into the room, often accompanied by one or two of the other characters from Harry Potter.
Haggis is traditionally served with neeps and tatties, or at least would be if anyone knew what neeps and tatties are. Sadly, the true identity of neeps and tatties is destined to remain a mystery. Like myrrh. What the hell is myrrh?
After the Haggis, there is entertainment from Burlesque dancers Clootie Dumpling and Typsy Laird, giving everybody the perfect opportunity to get their bannocks off.
The dancers are accompanied by traditional Scottish songs such as 'My Luve is like a red, red rose', 'Rantin', Rovin' Robin', and '500 miles'
A speaker will then take to the floor and deliver a speech celebrating the life and accomplishments of Mr Burns, often focussing on the man's generosity, especially towards the NHS. In fact, to this day, as testament to his benevolence, if you go into any hospital in the land, the chances are there will be a memorial Burns Unit.
After this, comes the toast to the Lassies, which celebrates the heroic achievements of collies everywhere. Then come further readings from Burns' poetry, and a reply to the toast to the Lassies, which is usually either excited barking, or sometimes excited barking which means 'Timmy's been hurt, follow me to the old mine'.
And finally, as a rousing end to the evening, all the guests stand up and sing together that famous song, Auld Lang Syne, which as everybody knows, goes
"Should old acquaintance be forgot
and never mumble mumble mumble
something, mutter, mumble something, someting else
FOR THE SAKE OF AULD LANG SYNE".
Oh, and everyone gets absolutely hammered.
So, now you have all you need to put on your own top class Burns Night. Excellent!
Enjoy yourselves.
posted by Peter The Great @ 6:57 PM
8 Comments:
Ha! Hurrah for the return of poorly-googled factsheets!
(Neeps are mashed turnips and tatties are mashed potatoes, by the way. You can tell the difference because the former is a dirty orange colour and the latter a dirty off-white- traditionally, there should be little or no difference in flavour...)
I love love love poorly googled factsheets!
Very good, with piping in the guests as a particular highpoint.
Sadly, after being distracted by Mrs Terror Senior's attempts to casserole next door's cat, I accidentally doubled the dose of strychnine that I normally add to Dr Terror's nightly cocoa. As a result, he spent Burns Night glued to the porcelain throne, weeping and praying to a God who had deserted him.
An unusual method of celebration, but we enjoyed it...
I have a feeling though that this unfortunate miscalculation on my part may result in a cruel and unusual punishment, just as soon as he's feeling better.
Message to Dr Terror and Busty Anon: GET A ROOM.
Message to Anonymous: YOUR CAPS LOCK IS ON.
Just trying to help...
But we have got a room! Several houses, in fact... and they're all populated by forgotten dreams and the mouldering smell of thwarted ambition.
For those amongst you (and there will be few) who would like to witness nascent love in its fullest flower, we will be attending BPT on 6 February. At 8.30pm sharp.
We'll bring the cloying affection with the dark undertone of emotional slavery, you bring the drinks, some unkind words and the gun.
I WAS SHOUTING.
The more subtle approach attempted by other readers' comments did not seem to be getting through.
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