The Archive

Celebrity inbox

Dear [insert celebrity name here],

Are you in need of a career boost? Are your column inches just not expanding like they used to?

Then you are sure to benefit from our new 'Adopt an Orphan' promotions and publicity package.

Owning just one of our needy and highly photogenic African orphans* has been proven time and time again to provide the boost a flagging career so desperately needs.

We have orphans from sources as diverse as war-torn Africa to flood-plagued Bangladesh. If you've got a favourite cause or issue, we will find you a cuddly, OK-magazine-friendly human embodiment of the power that love, and fame, has to alleviate suffering.

Orphans are available in a wide range of colours and sizes - every one of them simply adorable**.

When you choose your orphan, he or she will be delivered to your door, complete with fully completed and largely official adoption certificates as well as our own, unique Loveability accreditation.

Plus, if you are in any way unsatisfied with your orphan, we have a 100% exchange policy.

Is your orphan crying too much? Send them back for an instant, no-questions-asked replacement.

Does your orphan no longer complement your re-decorated mansion? We'll provide you a brand-new orphan matched to the Dulux colour scheme of your choice absolutely free!

"I chose an African orphan recently and enjoyed the album sales so much, I'm buying another"
Ms X Richie, New York.

Act now to secure your favourable news-space. Simply send a stamped-addressed envelope and a cheque for $100,000 made payable to 'Whom it may concern' today.

The packing-crate will be on your doorstep before you know it, and you'll be saying 'hello' to your new child and 'start the bidding' to the tabloids in as little as 7 days.

So don't delay, apply today.

Yours sincerely,

Peter The Great
Head of Sales.

*Other third world areas available.

**orphans not proving sufficiently adorable may be exchanged at any time. Terms and conditions apply.

posted by Peter The Great @ 12:02 PM