The Archive

Working stiff

I have continued to pick up all the glamour assignments, and have been in Ipswich, having meetings, doing presentations and generally strutting around, preening and pretending to be important.

Nobody fell for it.

Right, I still haven't been able to get the RC Night Out pictures off the phone, and it didn't really go to plan, so I shall give you some highlights...

1. Facebook and iPhone go head to head. iPhone loses.

2. Tech support attempt to help out and get Facebook working on iPhone. Wig is tech support. As Dr Terror kindly pointed out in his text "If Wig is tech support, you're fucked". We were.

3. Ginger Princess' insistence that we get beyond the M25. She'd been made promises about travel, goddam it, and wanted delivery. That or she just wanted us to go as far away from her place (she lives downstairs) as humanly possible.

4. O'Neill's attempting to charge us £8 each just to go in. To an O'Neill's. We weren't that drunk. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I've EVER been that drunk.

5. We go to some bar in Chinatown playing loud music. It is horrible. We consider returning to O'Neill's after all, briefly. We do not, of course, actually do it.

6. We are challenged to talk to someone and get them to tell us how they lost their virginity. Wig gets talking to two girls. I mean this quite literally; he does all the talking as they do not seem to speak seven words of English between them. They claim to have been studying English for a year.

7. Yes, we were surprised too. Then it turned out that they meant a month. Which rather proves my point abotu the seven words of English between them, don't you think? And even so, good Lord, where were they studying? I think a refund is due.

8. Wig does not make much progress getting the girls to tell him how they lost their virginity. On the other hand, he does learn that they are 'very well thank you, how are you?' which proves to be the highlight of the conversation.

9. I escape the horror of that conversation and quest for the virginity challenge. I see two girls and explain the challenge. In return, they explain that their boyfriends are 'over there'.

10. The boyfriends go from 'over there' to 'over here'. They are not smiling.

11. I try, lightheartedly, to get the guys to tell me how they lost their virginity. They are not smiling some more now.

12. I leave.

13. Wig leaves, having made a heroic but ultimately doomed effort to transcend the spoken word.

14. I am despondent. Wig is keen to try again. There are four girls over there. Should we talk to them. I say no, they are clearly not interested. He says yes, they are clearly interested. We put it out to the RC Controllers.

15. We wait excitedly for our instructions. Whatever they are is what we'll do. This is a true RC Moment and we love it. Thank you all.

16. The result is in. We must talk.

17. In a beautifully balanced proof that we were both right, two of the girls chat briefly and then leave. The other two now show signs of interest.

18. At least I assume they were showing signs of interest. I was too busy staring at their breasts to be able to tell. It was that time of night.

19. We go to another bar for a drink. Drink and chat. Chat and drink. Then they want to go home.

20. We head to Victoria station for the last train. The last train is a last replacement bus. Fuck that.

21. We decide to get a cab. But cleverly, recruit other lost souls heading to Croydon to share the spend. One of these is an attractive young woman.

22. Woman orders a cab from her local firm. Wig insists this will not come, but he knows a firm 'around the corner'. He goes off to get a cab from there.

23. Woman's cab arrives. No sign of Wig. I call Wig. "I'm by the river. I'm walking. Go on without me." Apparently, the cab was not quite so around the corner as previously thought.

24. I get the lovely lady's number. We arrange to go on a date the next week.

25. We go on the date the next week. I have a great time. Try to organise another date.

26. She did not, apparently, have such a good time. Lovely lady would like to be 'friends'.

27. Bollocks.

posted by Peter The Great @ 3:58 PM