The Archive

Working with Peter The Great

I am addicted to pornography. I like a selection of the latest magazines fanned out on my desk before I arrive in the morning along with a family box of tissues neatly placed alongside. And a cup of coffee, if you like.

I also enjoy reading all of the Internet on a daily basis. It is vital to my sense of self to keep on top of what everyone is saying on the Comment Is Free section of the Guardian website. I will consequently spend several hours online each day, explaining to everyone else why they are wrong.

Do not disturb me whilst I am doing this, unless it is to gasp quietly in awe of my logical and rhetorical skills.

My writing is entirely illegible and was once described as being like ‘vomit on a page’. You don’t need to worry about this though, as almost nothing I write is of interest, and I’m likely to forget all about it soon anyway.

For lunch I must have a mix of meat and vegetables, but the meat must come from at least rare or preferably endangered species. A panda wrap with hoi sin sauce is a particular favourite.

A sandwich made from anything that is actually extinct will be reflected positively in your appraisal.

And some crisps.

Not Ready Salted though. They’re just wrong.

In the afternoon, I like to have a short (hour and a half) nap at my desk as I have generally been out drinking the previous evening. This may appear to be a bad use of time, but consider that without it, I will be unable to make decisions or function at all, and so it is really quite necessary and sensible.

Please do not explain anything to me unless you can do so in language a four-year-old would understand. This is because I am a bit thick. I am, however, also extremely arrogant, so be aware that if I fail to comprehend what you are saying, that is your fault, not mine.

I am a hilariously funny person and if you do not find yourself laughing at my jokes, try to figure out what it is exactly that is wrong with you. And probably better update your CV too, whilst you’re at it.

I like a snack at precisely 3pm. This should be a Jaffa Cake and a glass of tonic water. With gin in it. This is to be repeated at 30 minute intervals until the end of the working day.

I do not address my staff by name. This is because I find names very difficult to remember due to not really caring who you are. Don’t feel bad about this, the sooner you realise you are a faceless drone, the happier you are likely to be.

I believe the smooth running of a workplace depends on everyone knowing their job and just getting on with it. Consequently, if you are having trouble or difficulties in discharging your duties, I will be more than happy for you to handle it in your own way and certainly keen for you to not come whining to me. I have my own problems, thank you very much.

Now get back to work.

posted by Peter The Great @ 11:22 AM