The Archive

Elle Cyd

Nurses are to be scored on how compassionate they are towards patients as part of a government plan to improve quality in the NHS to be unveiled in the runup to the 60th anniversary of the health service next month, the Guardian can reveal.

No. No. No. They've got it all wrong again.

Yes, our lovely nurses are caring, sharing people (although largely hard-drinking crazies when out of the office, in my experience) and they do an important job.

But testing them for 'compassion' is not going to help.

What we really need to do is test for some of the old-fashioned values that I had conveyed to me by the television of the nineteen seventies.

Questionnaires could be distributed to patients, such as...

Question 1. Would you describe your nurse as

a) Saucy
b) Cheeky
c) Naughty or
d) Hattie Jaques

Question 2. Did your nurse show

a) cleavage
b) stockings
c) cleavage and stockings
d) talent at bed-bathing

Question 3. Did your nurse display

a) a twinkle in the eye
b) a wiggle in the hips
c) an aptitude for double entendre
d) herself sufficiently
Only by asking these difficult questions can we return standards of healthcare in this country to that enjoyed in the golden age.

Also, goodbye Cyd Charisse. You were quite good.

posted by Peter The Great @ 2:03 PM