The Archive

And Jesus makes four

I love the internet.

Now I'm fairly sure I've talked about this site before, but I've discovered it again (or hallucinated the first time. Long time readers, feel free to enlighten me).

The site in question is Sex in Christ, wherein various acts are dissected much along the lines of asking 'what would Jesus do, what would he watch and what would he consider just too much?'.

This is not a vanilla communion wafer.

Anyway, I've been learning about 'threesomes within a Christian marriage' and have learned the following...

1. Lesbians are ok (hurrah!) as long as they are not butch, for butch lesbians, or “bulldykes” are indeed going against nature with regards to their sexuality. At the same time, however, there are many women who engage in lesbian or bisexual activity who nevertheless maintain a traditional feminine role and demeanor (i.e., “lipstick” lesbians). Since there is no specific prohibition against lesbian sex, as long as these women remain within the boundaries of the female role prescribed by Scripture, and submit to the authority of the men in their lives, we assume it is permissible.

So, let's recap. You can have girl-on-girl, as long as the girls are all sexy and feminine and (and I can't stress this enough) submit to the authority of the men in their lives.

Not my words. The words of Jesus H Christ himself (more or less).

Next up - is a threesome adultery?

Well, more good news. It turns out that a woman going with a woman is adultery BUT only if the man is jealous.... a wife’s lesbian activities, even though not in the parameters of what the Bible defines as adulterous behavior, could nevertheless be considered adultery if it makes the wife’s husband jealous.

God I love this site. They're really speaking to me.

But is the guy with the spare girl being unfaithful? in this situation we must ask what degree of participation is appropriate for the male, and how should he conduct himself so as not to commit adultery against his wife. This is a slippery slope, but if we look to the Scriptures, we can establish some guidelines for what is permissible.

That's right folks, let's look to the bible to find out what we can do in our Christ-based threesome. Because I distinctly remember that bit.. the sermon on the mount right? (sorry)

It turns out that adultery is pretty much defined as anything about the threesome that weakens rather than strengthens the bond between you and your wife.

Oh my, I'm really starting to feel these people. Seriously, they're talking some pretty good sense here.

So all in all, a threesome is not ruled out by the Lord, provided you stick by the rules, which are (and I'm paraphrasing here, but not by much)

1. No man on man touching.
2. No manliness from the woman (I'm guessing fake beards and equal pay for this category)
3. Man must consent.
4. Woman must consent.
5. 'Other' woman's husband (if there is one) must consent.
6. The 'other' woman is fair game for touching with the guy, but only if she's not married (that would be adultery, you see).

Rather trickily, number 6 includes the man not having 'lustful thoughts' about this other woman, naked in the bed getting it on with his wife.

Erm, that's a hell of an ask isn't it? Not to have lustful thoughts whilst watching what amounts to a personal sex show.

Rather brilliantly, our friends at Jesuslovesshagging.com have a solution...


If a man imagines having intercourse with a married woman, then indeed, he has committed adultery in his heart. Instead, we would counsel this man to imagine that same married woman having sex with his wife; by taking himself out of the picture, he renders himself blameless.

You see? Instead of imaging yourself with that busty blonde, which is a sin and an act of adultery, imagine her writhing naked in aromatic oils, thrusting her tongue into your wife. Which is fine.

Good stuff.

All in all though, I feel a bit mean making fun of these people who are actually trying to make a decent fist of reconciling today's more liberal moral climate with the fairy tales found in the bible.

And fair play to them for trying to accept that sex is ace and fun as long as everyone consents, and the 'religious' tendency to drain all the pleasure out of sex is not, in fact, what religion is all about.

But it's so easy to make jokes. What can a struggling blogger do when facing such temptation (besides imagining his wife with another woman, that is).

So to conclude, just so there's no confusion...


To summarize, we feel a Christian threesome is morally acceptable if it meets these conditions: It must be composed of one man and two women, all of whom recognize and maintain proper sex roles for men and women in and out of the bedroom. All married members of the threesome must consent to the arrangement and have consent from their spouses. And finally, the purpose of the relationship must be that it ultimately strengthens the existing bond between husband and wife and allows all three parties to share and celebrate their love of God together

Sounds about right to me.

'course, puts a whole new spin on 'God is watching you' doesn't it?

posted by Peter The Great @ 9:32 PM