The Archive

Fat of the land

Apperently, fatties are going to get cash to slim in a proposal being considered by our enlightened leaders.

"People who are overweight could be paid to get slim, the government suggested yesterday as part of its national strategy to tackle the obesity epidemic."

What?!

I know this government is fond of quick-fix sticking plasters for the various ills that afflict our society, but are they seriously considering this?

Surely it takes about ten seconds of thinking to see the following consequence...

"Hello, welcome to the Lard Advice Centre how can I help you?"
"Yes, hello. I have a question. You've given me fifty quid for losing the two stone I needed to get rid of."
"Excellent. Glad you got the cheque."
"The thing is, that was a couple of weeks ago. I've kept the weight off, so I was wondering what you'd do for me."
"I'm sorry, the reward is for weight loss only. Otherwise we'd have to pay out to pretty much everyone in the country for staying the same weight."
"Um, ok, so if I get fat again, do I have to pay the money back?"
"Oh no."
"And if I lose the weight again after that, you'll send me another cheque."
"Correct."
"So I'll get paid if I balloon up and down in weight, but get nothing for staying slim."
"Correct.
"Ok. Could you pass me that fork."

Actually, that sounds suspiciously like conversations I have had with the tax office, so watch this space folks.

Oh, and whilst I'm moaning, why is it everyone moans about advertising causing the nation's health to decline. That just makes no sense at all.

If advertising was that effective, surely the manufacturers of fruit, water and all things good and nutritious could simply up their ad spend and outgun the chip makers, turning the nation into a healthy Shangri-La.

Personally, my contribution to the health issue would be a series of adverts along the lines of...

OUTSIDE. DAY. A BEACH
Camera zooms in on slim, attractive Spanish woman.

Voiceover: Spanish women.

CUT TO: Vilnius. A shopping centre
Camera pans from a slim, attractive, well turned out Lithuanian to another slim Lithuanian lovely.

Voiceover: Lithuanian women.

CUT TO: Pretty much anywhere outside of the UK or Midwest America. Fast cuts between the slim, well turned out women of the world.

Voiceover: Women the world over. They look lovely, because they make an effort.

CUT TO: Wimbledon, Centre Court Shopping Centre. Any random women.

Voiceover: WOMEN OF BRITAIN - PUT THE FUCKING PIE DOWN!

END

There would, of course, be one for the guys too. Because I'm not sexist.

posted by Peter The Great @ 11:17 AM