The Archive

Celebrity not squares

It’s a fine day for celebrity crazies today.

First up, Lindsey Lohan gets arrested for drunk driving and possession of cocaine.

Well, you have to be sympathetic. After all, it’s been a long time since she had all that expensive rehab. Seven days, I believe.

But really, drunk driving? Paris Hilton had the same problem. What is wrong with these people?

For God’s sake women, just GET A CAB.

It’s not like you can’t afford it, and he can always take you via Tesco’s for a cashpoint. Or maybe it’s not as easy to summon a late-night Nigerian in Hollywood as it is here. Who knows?

Alternatively, they could always hire a trustworthy, full-time driver to ferry them around and run over the occasional papparazi by ‘accident’.

Ladies, I am available at very reasonable rates and promise I won’t kiss and tell.

Feel free to get in touch.

But, lucky Lindsay managed to have her ‘incident’ on the same day Britney Spears made her look like Mother Theresa with a full-on drug-fuelled (probably) breakdown during a photoshoot and interview with OK! Magazine.

Apparently, the ‘troubled’ (read, ‘insane’) star babbled like a baby/lunatic, vomited on herself and panicked that the sky (well, roof anyway)was going to collapse on her.

Now that, my friends, is how to go off the rails properly.

So all those stars who go for rehab after taking an aspirin, swearing in front of an old lady or revealing yourselves to be sexist/racist/a git, please take note.

Anyway, having done all of these things myself on occasion, I find myself feeling a lot of sympathy for poor Brit.

And it seems OK! feel the same.

“OK! magazine spent a heartbreaking day with Britney Spears and witnessed first-hand an emotional cry for help that will leave you shocked and sad. This week, the truth will be told.”

Yes. So heartbroken were OK! Magazine that they thought the only natural reaction was to publish full details of the poor love’s meltdown.

But only after leaking salacious pre-publication tidbits to the international press of course.

It’s for her own good.

Various newspapers pick up the story (similarly driven purely by concern for the pop princess’ welfare, naturally.)

“They paint a frightening picture and could kill her career. She looked like a young COURTNEY LOVE,” claims The Currant Bun, favourite rag of drugtaking vomiters everywhere.

Now I have to take slight issue with this claim. They are referring to, presumably, the same Courtney Love who I saw recently on the Jonathon Ross show, clearly continuing to have a career of some sort. So, being a celebrity binge nutter obviously didn’t do her too much (professional) harm did it?

Either way, I can’t even bring myself to make fun of Britney herself. She’s obviously having a rough time.

So instead I’ll just be nice and say ‘Sort it out Britney. If you need a shoulder to cry (but not vomit) on, just drop me a line. And get yourself some proper friends would you?’

That is all.

Oh, not it isn't. Yes, I'm back from Greece. Yes there was drunkenness. No, there was no debauchery to report.

I did succeed in going for a drunken midnight swim, during which I fell on the rocks and ended up with nasty lacerations to my left buttock and the soles of my feet. The upshot of that being I can now neither stand nor sit comfortably.

Silly me.

posted by Peter The Great @ 10:16 AM