The Archive

Pisces in our time

The splendid Professor Numbers forwarded me this story a while ago and I tucked it away to keep it in reserve for a rainy day.

And now it’s the first day of Wimbledon, so it seems sensible to celebrate the downpour with this story in which…

A woman was injured over the weekend by a leaping sturgeon, the latest incident involving the flying fish on the Suwannee River, officials said.

This is a strong opener for a story. Not only has a woman come off worst in a fight with a fish, but this is apparently not an isolated incident.

On another occasion, a leaping sturgeon severely injured a 50-year-old woman from St. Petersburg who was riding a personal watercraft on the Suwannee River. She suffered a ruptured spleen and had three fingers reattached by surgeons,

(To clarify for skim readers, a STURGEON cut off the woman's fingers, a SURGEON sewed them back on. And wouldn't it be cruel to use this passage in a TEFL reading exercise?)

So that's two sea to air fish assaults in quick succession. What’s happening in that area? Are disenfranchised sturgeon seeking thrills by attacking innocent boaters? Is it time to bring out the aquatic ASBO?

Never mind The Birds, Hitchcock missed the true menace. The fish are gathering.

So take note, people of dry land.

Do you have a goldfish? Don’t be fooled by the dopey expression and 3 second memory (Not true! Further fishy propaganda! Goldfish have excellent memories and CAN ride bicycles). He’s a spy and a wrecker. Flush him without remorse!

Are you getting enough fish in your diet? Of course not!

The only good fish is a digested fish. But beware, even beyond the grave the piscine peril can strike. They nearly got the Queen Mum don’t forget.

Death to imperialist fish scum.

Down with lickspittle scalebearers.

The finned foe must be crushed!

Phew. Sorry folks, I’ve been reading a Stalin biography. I think it’s getting to me.

posted by Peter The Great @ 2:01 PM