The Archive

Gaydar, that's just the beginning

I used to rubbish conspiracy theories involving the kidnap and secret probing of earth-crashed aliens (yeah, see how they like it up ‘em for a change) on the grounds that they were obviously ridiculous.

Then I read about the Big Gay Bomb.

Apparently, the army was looking into a form of chemical weapon that worked as a "… strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behaviour."

Quite apart from the joys of imagining the pitch for such a bomb ("...and by deploying this bomb the enemy will be instantly transformed into a bunch of screaming nancies who, as we know, couldn’t fight their way out of a paper bag, at which point our brave lads will win the day and find and demolish big piles of WMDs"), this raises an interesting thought.

It goes like this. What would an army faced with such a bomb want to do?

Start looking for soldiers who might be immune to this enemy weapon naturally.

And that would be… people who are already gay, of course.

So we’re left with the genius consequences that being gay will cease to be a barrier to being in the army and will, instead, become a requirement.

Brilliant.

Now imagine all the straight men who want to be soldiers mincing into the recruitment office in a lame attempt to convince recruiters that they’re gay.

“Name?”
“Tom Tarnowski.”
“Sexuality?”
“Gay. Definitely gay.”
“You don’t look gay to me, soldier.”
“Oh I am, I love blokes. They’re so, er, hairy and um, manly.”
“I’m not buying it soldier. Here, give us a snog.”
“Erm, I’d really rather not. I don’t fancy you.”
“Don’t fancy me? Rubbish. You must be straight.”

posted by Peter The Great @ 11:24 AM