The Archive

Open advice to Pellet

It seems our dear friend and sinister possible child murderer Pellet is up for a big spanky job as a Director of IT.

Oooh. Fancy.

But, to pass the hallowed portals of directordom, wherein your remuneration only increases with a proven inability to do the job, sackings are replaced by big payoffs to go away quietly and meetings, meetings and more meetings are the order of the day, he must pass an assessment centre.

And foolishly, he has solicited advice for surviving and overcoming this obstacle.

Thus, I humbly offer...

A Duffer's Guide to Assessment Centres.

Overview: An assessment centre is a fun day out, during which people incapable of doing your current job decide whether you have the ability to do a harder, more important job.

Much like auditioning to be a Blue Peter presenter, success hinges on your ability to smile and look co-operative whilst participating in whatever idiotic exercise they foolishly believe will reveal your inner IT Director potential.

This is likely to include, but not be limited to such IT-irrelevant tasks as building a bridge out of toilet rolls, abseiling down a damp cliff face and teamwork.

It will not include any assessment of your software or hardware knowledge.

Nor will it include any test of your knowledge of Dr Who, Isaac Asimov, Seven of Nine or any other topic likely to help you win favour with your minions-to-be.

So, how do you get on? With these 7 pieces of wisdom on your side, you can't go far wrong...

1. The abstract question ploy.
If they ask a question that appears to have no necessarily correct answer such as picking a colour or a shape that appeals to you, think carefully. This is a trap.

On no account go with your first answer, that will only give them a clue as to your true personality.

Instead, try desperately to second-guess them and pick the colour/blob/farmyard animal you think they think a good IT Director would pick.

2. The biscuity beartrap?
If there are biscuits on the table, beware. Think carefully before you act.

Consider - if you don't take a biscuit at all, you're going to look like a man too timid to know what he wants and go for it.

But if you take the fancy chocolate one in it's own foil wrapping, they'll think you're only out for yourself and not a team player.

And besides, they want that one.

So go for the bourbon cream. Not too fancy, but a cut above the common herd. Very much the Director's biscuit.

3. The fine line between assertive and insane.
Eye contact is important. Make a lot of it with all the examiners.

But if they start to look a little bit scared, ease off a bit eh?

Likewise, smiling.

4. Swearing, how much is too much?
Now I take an unorthodox view on this one (also known as 'The Ramsay Method). But then again, I think swearing is funny most of the time, much to my parents' consternation. So best lay off.

But if you are going to swear though, I can highly recommend the Tourettes joke from a previous post (reminder - when asked what your greatest weakness is, reply "Probably my fucking tourettes")

Sorry Mum and Dad.

5. If The Apprentice has taught us anything...
..it's that the blame is there to be passed as fast and hard as possible. Pick the weakest in the group and start blaming him/her for any failures nice and early. Ideally before the tasks have even begun.

Better still, point to them halfway through the day and shout 'you're fired'.

Also, see if you can organise some kind of public text-in section of the course to vote out some of the applicants. I know a bloke who used to work for Richard and Judy.

6. Psychobollocks and how to survive it
Once upon a time, personnel (see, this was back when people were persons, not resources) would ask you stuff like 'how much do you know about IT?' and 'do you have a criminal record'.

Obviously, this brought it's own difficulties but at least you knew where you stood and when to lie.

Then everything changed and psychometric tests became the order of the day. The work equivalent of Cosmo fun quizzes, these ask things to find out if you're a wallflower or the life and soul of the party, so to speak.

The problem with these is you don't know which are the right answers, so your willingness to lie to get the job is suddenly worthless. Disaster!

But fear not, a little thinking outside the box (and do use that phrase) will fix this up.

Simply answer the questions however you want, then hand them in saying, "I always find it hard to do these things as I'm fascinated by NLP, Meiers Briggs and all these profiling systems. It's really hard not to just answer so you think I'm the right type.

It's not perfect, but this will throw enough doubt over your answers to cover your tracks.

7. The lunchtime big brother.
The final and most insidious trap of all is lunch at the assessment centre.

Do not, I repeat DO NOT mistake lunch for any kind of break.

It is a chance to refuel and no more. Do not let your guard down for a second. They know you've spent the morning pretending to be a decent, constructive member of society.

Now they want to see the real you. THIS CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO HAPPEN.

Keep up the pretence at all times.

In fact, best keep the facade up until you're actually back home, safely behind closed doors.

And don't put salt or pepper on anything before you've tasted it. It could be an urban myth, but why take the risk?

So that's it. You now have pretty much everything you need to survive your IT Assessment centre.

I wish you luck young Pellet.

posted by Peter The Great @ 7:56 PM