The Archive

Russian towards the grave

I've been following the Case of the Poisoned Russian with some interest lately. 'Some' meaning 'not a lot' of course, as the papers try to stretch every non-development inot another set of dramatic headlines.

But I can't shake a persistent question from my mind.

This polonium is so potent it appears to have left a radiation trail from the 'plane, all around London, to the tummy of our poor Ivan. The way the papers tell it, you can almost imagine a bloke with a geiger counter sniffing out the trail of the stuff like some kind of hi-tech bloodhound.

Anyway, if this murderous stuff is quite so deadly, how on Earth did the Russians *(Americans, Muslims, disgruntled ex-wives, whoever) convince the assassin to pack it in his luggage, carry it over to the UK and slip it into a tuna roll?

I can only imagine the conversation went something like this...

"Agent X, you are to take this radioactive nugget to England. You will pose as a sushi chef and kill your target."
"Um, radioactive you say."
"Yes. Very deadly. It's in this thick, lead box."
"Ah, a box. Great."
"I'm afraid we can't let you keep the box. Too conspicuous. You'd never get it past customs. Ditto hair gel, actually."
"So how do I get it to England?"
"The polonium itself is only very small. We only keep it in the box because, well, you know. Anyway, we thought you could smuggle it safely in your bottom with minimal discomfort."
"So, to recap: you want me to transport this highly radioactive metal up my bum, into England, just to kill one man."
"That's about it. Yes."
"Couldn't I just strangle him?"
"Of course not. We don't want it to look like murder. We are very keen to avoid headlines."
"Well how about if I just killed him with a bit of dodgy blowfish? That'd work."
"Sorry. Management has decided on the plan. The Chairman's wife thought it up actually. He's set on it."
"Look. I'm sorry, but I'm just not comfortable with this plan."
"Ok. Ok agent X, there is always the alternative."
"Great. What's that?"
"We shoot you."
"Oh. Pass the box would you?"

Surely that's how it happened.

Either that or the less-than-wily Russian failed to wonder why his waiter brought his sushi wearing an enormous white radiation suit, holding the plate at arm's length with a pair of tongs.

posted by Peter The Great @ 1:52 PM