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Well I guess that's the holiday covered so I have to go back to the old-fashioned blog in which I make a single poor joke and leave it at that.

So, in that spirit...

It appears that University lecturers are being asked to spy on their students.

This, in essense, has come from a document prepared by the Department of Education that suggests campuses are becoming hotbeds of extremism. Apparently, it's up the educators of Britain to protect us from the terrorist threat.

Mmm. I'd like to see that particular document...

Be Vigilant

It has come to the attention that a dangerous sector of the student body is at risk of overturning everything we have come to hold dear about British Studentness.

You can help stop this abberation!

All you need to do is take a look at your students. Are some of them behaving oddly? Here are 5 key warning signs that you could be harbouring a terrorist in tutorials.

1. Does your student arrive at morning lectures looking fresh and relaxed? The security services have informed us that terrorists are forbidden to drink. Or Muslims, whatever, they're the same thing right? Anyway, this is clearly entirely at odds with what being a British student is all about.

So if you have any students who are suspiciously alert in morning lectures, ask them if they fancy going for a beer with you sometime. If they refuse, beware, they could explode at any minute. Report them immediately!

2. Does the student have a neat beard? We're not talking about the straggly, dog on a string, literature student type of beard here. Muslim radicals grow long beards, but they tend them carefully, the better to hide weapons and explosives in.

If you have a student with a long beard - try asking them if they are a fan of the rock band ZZ Top. If the answer is 'no', report them immediately!

3. Does your student avoid pork? Research has revealed that pork is to your extremist Muslim as garlic to a vampire.

So next time you have a tuturial with a student you think may be plotting the overthrow of this great nation, surprise them by waving a sausage roll in their face shouting 'Begone spawn of Satan!". If they burst into flames or even just smoulder a little, you have uncovered a traitor. Report them immediately!

If they do not, however, a simple apology should be sufficient to put the tutorial back on track.

4. Is your student suspiciously aware of the direction of Mecca? Much like pigeons, Muslims have an uncanny sense of direction. However, instead of something useful like telling you which way is North, they can only indicate to you the direction of Mecca.

So, to unveil (oh, veils, that's another one but we'll put out a briefing on that once the fuss has died down) the hater of freedom in your classroom, casually drop the following into conversation...

"I say, I fancy playing a spot of bingo. You couldn't possibly point me in the direction of Mecca could you old chap?"

If they comply with your request, congratulations, you have foiled another attempt to sabotage John Bull. Report them immediately!

5. Is your student brown? Yes, we at the department of education realise students may go on holiday to acquire a nice tan and relieve the stresses of their three-hour weeks. But watch out. Is that tan not fading over time? Is it suspiciously even and lacking the lobstery redness you'd expect of a decent, English holidaymaker?

Try a simple ploy to encourage your suspect, er, student to take off their watch. No tan line? Then you might be nurtering a viper in your bookish breast. Report them immediately!

So, now you are armed with the knowledge to uproot the latter day Fawkes on your campus. We expect you to do your bit for the security of this great nation. After all, children are our future - and if you don't stamp on the right children now, that future is going to be carnage, bloodshed and NO BOOZE!

Oh, and if you find yourself falling into one of the categories above, well, you know what to do.

Good luck.

(This policy will self destruct in 10 minutes)

posted by Peter The Great @ 8:02 PM