The Archive

Wanky Panky

It appears that Channel 4 have decided that, instead of American comedy, documentaries about unusual diseases and endless, endless Big Brother, what we actually want to watch is a load of people masturbating.

I know, at first glance it sounds just like even more Big Brother but this time, in fact, they mean it literally.

That’s right. As far as I can tell, they are just going to film a load of people tossing off for hours at a time. It’s a wankathon.

A wankathon. What’s the hell is the point of that? To raise awareness of masturbation? That hardly seems necessary.

But no, that is indeed the point, apparently, according to Channel 4s Head of Stupid Ideas to Raise Cheap Headlines…

“Masturbation is something many people do but it is something not many people talk about.”

Oh come on, it’s not exactly the situation in the Middle East? What’s to talk about?

“Hello. I like to masturbate.”
“So do I.”
“It’s nice that we agree. Now how about that Hezbollah eh? What a bunch?”

So maybe it’s to drive prurient viewers to the channel.

If that’s the case, I have to say I’m disappointed. I mean, it seems like Channel 4 has finally come full circle. Once upon a time the channel showed programming to wank to. Now they’re showing the wanking itself.

That’s either totally post-modern or simply pathetically unimaginative. I’m not sure which.

I don’t like it though. Because if Channel 4 are now doing the wanking for me, what’s left for me to do? I suppose I’ll act out a drama where a hot lady cop goes undercover at a high-class escort agency in order to find out and stop the ‘curvy blonde stocking killer’.

It could work, but I’m no Shannon Whirry.

All in all, it’s a big drop in standards from the channel whose glory days included that brief flirtation with the red triangle (remember? That little ‘warning’ sign that helped my early teens self identify what shows were likely to yield the odd nipple or two).

And another thing. What the hell is the point of a masturbation marathon. Masturbating is supposed to be fun. Running a marathon is not. So what are you really learning about sex if you’re turning tossing into an endurance event?

And the marathon connection raises even more disurbing thoughts. What is the wanking equivalent of jogger’s nipple? Ouch, I daren’t even imagine.

And are refreshment stations going to be provided? Will some people be dressed up as rhinos? I imagine they will be, but not for the same reasons.

It’s just wrong.

But still better than Big Brother.

posted by Peter The Great @ 1:31 PM