The Archive

Tortoise - a lesson

It came up in conversation at the weekend that the philosopher Aristotle died when a tortoise was dropped on his head by a passing eagle.

Sadly, subsequent googling has shown that this is not quite true. Aristotle actually died of a stomach ache or something. However, the tortoise from above incident did allegedly actually happen - the the playwright Aeschylus (whose work, it could be claimed, was rather philosophical anyway).

So, this gave rise to a couple of interesting tortoise-related conversations.

1. The tortoise as philosopher. Just imagine spending your entire life thinking about what life is all about. A lifetime's pondering later and you suspect you are beginning to understand a thing or two about the way the universe works.

Then, one day, out of the blue, a tortoise falls out of the clear blue sky, braining you.

A life spend dedicated to tackling the great problems and questions of life, and what's your last thought? "Fucking hell, a tortoise. I never saw that coming."

Hardly seems fair does it?

2. Tortoise as deadly weapon. Given the recent focus on knife and gun crime, you really can't afford to be seen out and about with either of these about your person nowadays.

So how's a fella to defend himself on the mean streets of Battersea?

Enter the tortoise.

Clearly they're tough enough to kill ancient Greeks and I can't imagine people today are much hardier.

So pop a tortoise or two in your jacket pocket before going out in the evening. Then, if you're on the receiving end of any aggro that evening ("Leave it Lee, he's not worth it," you know how it goes) simply grasp a tortoise firmly in each hand and clatter the offending person around the head with them.

They will, I promise you, go down, especially if you use the leg holes to get a really good grip.

What's more, should it come to trial, the oik who attacked you in the first place will be forced to stand up and declare "And then he hit me with a tortoise."

No jury in the land would convict.

Right. Better go now. The rejections are beginning to come in in earnest, which is a bit demoralising, so I've got to keep up a stream of applications to counteract them.

Cheerio!

BONUS TORTOISE FACT: D H Lawrence wrote a poem called Tortoise Shout. It's about a tortoise having an orgasm. And it's rubbish.

posted by Peter The Great @ 12:17 PM