The Archive

The ball is round

Having enjoyed the spectacle that was Holland Portugal, I’d like to suggest a couple of new rules to enliven the beautiful game.

1. Yellow cards for artistic merit. The yellow card will still be a part of the game, but in future it will have the addition of a number printed on it, similar to the cards held up by ice dance judges.

This will enable the ref to administer a yellow card to the fouler whilst, at the same time, giving a mark out of ten for the quality of the swan dive executed by the foulee.

2. Appealing the card. Instead of simply appealing a card by the referee by getting in his face and shouting ‘oh come on, he was diving’ over and over again, a team shall from henceforth be entitled to ‘trial by combat’.

In this situation, the player who received a card has to fight a player nominated by the other team, until one or other submits, is unconscious or dies. If the carded player wins, his card is revoked. If he loses, not only is he summarily sent off, but the card he earned is passed on to a randomly selected team-mate.

3. Democracy in management. Finally, instead of hiring someone to pour scorn and cash on in equal measures, all teams will be managed by the populations of their countries. The selection of players, formation and rudimentary tactics will all be up for a vote by the public who can text in their views. This means not only do we not pay a million pounds for someone we routinely call an idiot, we will instead actually make money on the deal, which perhaps could be used for bribing Fifa or something equally useful.

I’m pretty sure this will bring a bit more joy to the game.

Incidentally, good question by my flatmate. When did anyone last actually enjoy watching and England game? And relief doesn’t count.

posted by Peter The Great @ 2:40 PM