The Archive

Hurrah! A bumper crop of idiots in the news today, and I've only looked at one site.

Apparently Britney Spears has dumped Kabbalah because they kept 'asking her for money'

Now this gives me an idea. I shall set up a religion which is identical in every way to kabbalah, but instead of taking 10% of my followers' cash, I'll just take 5%.

Think about it. Why would you choose that overpriced old Kabbalah (or Kabbalah Classic, as they're likely to rebrand in response to my new firm), when you could sign up to Kabbalah Extreme - 100% of the ritualistic rubbish at half the price?

This could really start something. Supermarkets could do their 'own brand' religions.

"I'm an Asda Anglican." (makes sign of cross on left arse cheek)
"Oh really dear. How nice. Those nickel plated candlesticks and incense holders are so, er, reasonably priced. I'm a M&S Methodist myself. Of course it's a little more pricey, but the I find the forgiveness is much more deep cleansing."

Tragically though, instead of simply shopping around for a more inexpensive faith, the schoolgirl slutstress has instead declared "My baby is my religion."

Oh dear. You get the feeling that she was really proud of this line when it squeezed its way into her head.

"Hmm, I don't want to sound shallow here (adjusts pigtails, checks mascara), so I'd best come up with something really important to replace those deeply held religious beliefs I want to ditch. I know. Babies, they're important, and people love babies. That's it! My baby is my religion. That'll knock 'em dead."

But it doesn't actually make sense does it Britney? How exactly is your baby your religion? Do you worship your baby like a god? Actually, that's frighteningly possible, although I'd like to think even the princess of pap wouldn't put faith in a supreme being that regularly soils itself.

So how does it work then?

"Hi Britney, I hear you've found a new religion."
"That's right Peter, I believe in my baby."
"Erm, right. That's not unreasonable. I believe in your baby too. He's right there. I can see him. You'd be hard put to deny the existence of your baby. But that's not really a religion is it dear?"
"La la la. I'm not listening. Now go away. Oh, and Christina Aguilera says when are you going to come over for some hot loving?"

(For those of you not aware, one day I will have sex with Christina Aguilera. This is not an ambition, or a dream, it is simply a fact.)

Right, that's enough about religion for now.

Meanwhile, Joan Cusack has announced that she's going to make a movie about the cook Julia Child. "Many people don't know all about the real Julia Child," said the less famous sibling, adding, "She had this great marriage."

Brilliant, a happily married woman cooking. Sounds like a nailbiting movie eh?

Act I: Julia Child gets married. She cries a little, risking a near-fatal mascara running incident.

Act II: Julia's flan fails to rise to the ocassion. "It's not you, it's me," she weeps. Is her failure to get it up a one-off, or will this happen all the time?

Act II: Julia, on her death bed in old age, confesses her dark secret. "It wasn't me who prepared all those little bowls with ingredients," she sobs, "It was my assistant. IT WAS MY ASSISTANT GODDAM IT."

I for one will be first in line for a ticket.

OK, I'm tired. That's it for now. More soon I hope. And more interesting too I also hope. Hang in there, I'll get funny again, I just know it.

posted by Peter The Great @ 9:08 PM