Fully furnished
Nice to see Elton John's been at it again.Apparently, he performed the following (presumably ex tempore) speech whilst presenting a prize to an actor from Transamerica...
"If you saw Transamerica ... I'm talking ... you fuckwit, fucking photographers you should be shot, you should be all shot. Thank you."
Genius.
Whilst I think it's splendid that he thinks the punishment for 'not paying attention to Elton John' should be death (or maybe it was the photographing he took objection to, being a noted shrinking violet in such matters), the bit I absolutely love is the 'thank you' at the end, as if he had just made a perfectly ordinary speech.
I wonder what the applause was like, rapturous, or one of those blinking silences you get in South Park.
Anyway, in honour of Elton, I've decided to offer up...
My top 5 Trivial Crimes that Nonetheless Command the Death Penalty.
- Wearing a rucksack on the tube at rush hour.
- Use of the word 'quaint' (at rush hour or otherwise)
- Talking after the trailers are over and the main feature has begun. If the talking is on a mobile phone, a couple of hours of pre-execution torture will be added.
- Not paying attention to Elton John, when you could instead have been using the opportunity to throw household objects at him.
- Going on a stag do in matching shirts with your 'amusing' nicknames printed on the back. If only 'What goes on tour stays on tour' were true - every week herds of British morons go on tour, but they keep coming back.
- Self-important bloggers (or anyone who uses that horrible word, come to that) who can't count to 5.
Feel free to add your own in the comments. I'm honestly interested in what you have to say. Really, I am.
posted by Peter The Great @ 3:11 PM
5 Comments:
I sense by your ironic tone that you're not interested but I'll tell you anyway.
1) People clapping at a film. Especially when they're actually in the cinema rather in the privacy of their home. AM-MAZ-ZA-LI (I'm sure you can guess the meaning).
2) Men who work in the city and say "right?" rhetorically at the end of all their sentences.
3) "Stereotype reversal" advertisments. Oh look! The MAN is doing the cleaning. A LADY is using Ronseal. I must go and buy it even though it's DOUBLY PATRONISING.
4) Transandlandic accents.
5) Anything that provokes an "Emperor's New Clothes" reaction.
Here's a few:
City boys/men wearing chinos & "comfortable" shoes at the weekend
Men wearing sandals (PLEASE put your horrid feet away!)
Bringing children into pubs (I feel tempted to take a bottle of vodka & a packet of fags & sit smoking, drinking & shouting in the middle of a fucking primary school, see how they like it)
Saying "like" sixty times per minute during conversations (art students & Yanks take note)
Waiters pouring water/wine in restaurants. Unless you have no arms. Or fingers.
People who think anything Oirish is quaint & meaningful. It fecking isn't.
And that's just what I can immediately think of on a Tuesday morning.
ARSE!
Tuesday afternoon additions:
People who say "Enjoy!". Enjoy WHAT exactly?
The expression "With all the trimmings". I don't know why I feel strongly about this, but I do.
Telephone salespeople.
Anyone who votes Labour, especially at the last election.
Americans complaining about food portion sizes.
Upper class arseholes who use the word "grub" in pubs.
Prince Charles. Idiot.
And I forgot Paul McCartney, the sheep-faced twat. How could I forget him. And the twatting Beatles.
People who pierce their baby's ears.
People who play music on their mobiles whilst on the bus/train/platform etc...
Just thought, one & maybe two (can't remember whether Harrison got shot at one point, but I think he was stabbed) of the Beatles have already been shot. So perhaps life's not that unfair after all.
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