The Archive

Play away

Spent most of today in Fitzroy park with Dana International and her two girls who are nearly five and nearly nine respectively. And yes, I know that makes them four and eight, but apparently the nearly thing is VERY important so I didn't want to mess up.

Things I have learned from 2 girls whose combined age is twenty-two years less than mine

1. A four-year old is heavier than she looks.
   
2. When playing hide and seek, don't wear a bright yellow shirt.
   
3. Little kids are treacherous bastards. When it was my turn to 'seek', as soon as I opened my eyes, one of the other kids pointed to a bush and said 'she's over there'. What a dobber.
   
4. You will never really understand the rules to any child's game. They are a fluid concept at the best of times and rely on a logic you need to be under 10 to understand.
   
5. In a playground, everyone is your friend. You can just walk up to someone and say 'Hi, I'm (name). Let's play cowboys and indians' or something similar. They will immediately agree and start playing. When did meeting people become so hard? Perhaps it's my approach. Instead of buying a girl a drink, should I be suggesting a game of tag?
   
6. Children's swings do not work with adult hips.
   
7. When a four-year-old wants to hold your hand, it's not because you're cool, it's because she's a slut for affection. See also Japanese students.
   

Anyway, it was a lovely day, but not much to blog about, so instead I'll present a range of...

Thoughts on Melbourne
Money: The paper money here seems to actually be made of plastic. Not that interesting, you think, until you realise it actually has a bit that is transparent. See-through money, now there's a thing.

Newspapers: There was an excellent headline in the paper today. "Speed likely cause of Egypt crash: Downer."

When I first read that, I thought that the paper was commenting on what a shame it was that the bus crashed; 'what a downer'. Turns out the Foreign Affairs minister is actually called Alistair Downer. Still, I laughed.

Trams: There are a lot of trams in Melbourne and by and large they are great. My only complaint is that they have a bell to sound to tell you several tonnes of steel is bearing down on you in an otherwise silent manner. You'd think this bell would be a loud, klaxon-style affair in keeping with the urgency of the situation (ie you're about to get run over) but no. What you get is the kind of 'ting' you'd expect when summoning a concierge in a hotel or printing a receipt.


Burger King: When walking the streets of Melbourne, I couldn't help noticing that there were burger places that were otherwise identical to Burger King, only they were called Hungry Jacks. But it was in the same logo, colours, font and everything.

So what was going on here? Was Hungry Jack pushing the trade mark laws to their very limit? Apparently not. It seems that when Burger King came to Oz, some dude already had an outlet and a trademark on the name. So the franchisee opted to call it Hungry Jacks.

Even better, I've discovered that when the trademark on Burger King lapsed, the US company told its Aussie franchisees it wanted them to change the name.

They told Burger King USA to fuck right off, ending in a court case which cost Burger King $75 million.

Then Burger King also started opening Burger King franchises, in competition with Hungry Jacks. So now apparently there are both Burger King AND Hungry Jacks, offering pretty much the exact same thing.

Nice and confusing eh?

Ok, that's it for now.

Finally, in the evening I went to the Sofitel with Will for coffe and a view. Now you remember what I said about the observation deck? Well, the Sofitel has a 35th floor cafe that provides everything as it should, with the single exception that it doesn't rotate.

So which is better? Let's do this scientifically...

Head-to-head Sofitel vs Observation Deck.

View: The observation point is a bit higher (55th floor rather than 35th), so technically it does have the better view.

WINNER - Observation Deck.

Windows: Sofitel puts in a strong performance with floor to ceiling windows, but there is no balcony, which you do get with the observation deck.

WINNER - Observation Deck.


BoozeThe Observation Deck sells beer in the crappy cafe. But it sucks as a place to drink, to the extent that even I didn't bother, and I'd spend an extra forty-five minutes in purgatory before going to heaven if they offered me a cold one.

Sofitel, on the other hand, has a full drinks menu.

WINNER - Sofitel.

Food See Booze above.

WINNER - Sofitel.

Obsequious staff: The Observation Deck had an angry, post-menopausal woman directing people around the place with all the grace and charm of a sexually transmitted disease.

Sofitel staff were polite, helpful and ever-so-slightly grovelly. Perfect, in other words.

WINNER - Sofitel.

Cost: Sofitel was not cheap. But what you paid for was food or a drink. The Observation Deck, on the other hand, charged 13 bucks or so to go up, but all you got to do was look out of the window.

WINNER - Sofitel, I think.

Tourist factor: The Observation Deck is a genuine tourist attraction, whereas nobody seems to know that the Sofitel option is available so it's quiet and not full of stupid backpackers (except me, of course).

WINNER - Observation Deck, if you're some kind of idiot. Sofitel if you have any kind of a clue.

So, it's official. Sofitel kicks the arse of the Observation platform. And I didn't even bring the Toblerone Martini into the equation.

So, enjoyed the sunset and watching all the lights come on across Melbourne whilst chatting with my good mate Will. Then got on the now-traditional last train home for a splendid night's sleep.

Goodnight all.

posted by Peter The Great @ 12:13 AM