The Archive

Braid a cat

A visit to Australia wouldn't be complete without an up-close and personal experience of the local wildlife, so today Jas, Wombat 25 and I went to Healesville animal sanctuary.

Actually, my original mission was to cuddle a koala (despite my natural fear of all animals, even I'm not afraid of what is essentially a living teddy bear). However, it turns out that it is illegal to handle a koala in this state!

Imagine that, getting sent to prison for koala handling.

"What are you in for mate?"
"Nothing much. Breaking and entering. Grevious bodily. The usual. How about you?"
"I held a koala."
"You monster. Get away from me"

Anyway, we made it to the sanctuary and first on the bill were in fact, the koalas. They were every bit as cute as advertised, sitting in trees asleep, all curled up.

Then a stroke of good luck, I found a koala I could handle. Sure, it was a dead koala that they'd stuffed and put on display, but I'm pragmatic and will take what I can get. Nobody will be able to tell from the pictures I took, although they might wonder why the koala I've got my arm round has a metal pole up its arse.

Next up were the kangaroos. I have to say, for Australia's national animal, they weren't very impressive.

In fact, they just sat around on the grass sneering (yes, a kangaroo can sneer). I was rather hoping to see them hopping around the place, so it was a bit disappointing.

I obviously wasn't the only one. The sanctuary people had actually put up a sign saying 'Why our roos don't do anything'. This explained that kangaroos are lazy bastards in the wild as well and only run around when they're in danger.

Then they even had the cheek to add a note to the effect that I should be happy that they were so boring as it meant that they were content and well looked after animals.

I wasn't of course. I was just regretting that we hadn't brought Clifty the dog. He would have stirred things up a bit.

Kangaroo fact: Roos pant heavily and cover their wrists with saliva in their efforts to keep cool. Dirty bastards.

Fortunately, the platypus was up next. Now there's a creature to admire. Being aquatic they were in a huge tank, swimming around with their glossy coad (and possibly cold, wet nose, I couldn't tell) glistening in the light. They were quite beautiful and graceful in the water.

They could have taught those idle roos a thing or two about showmanship, I can tell you.

Platypus fact: In 1798 the first platypus (well, platypus corpse anyway) was taken to England and put on show. It was widely dismissed as a hoax.

Bonus Platypus fact: The platypus has sensors in its beak that help it detect electical impulses so it can find its prey. It's an electricity bill, you could say.

Turns out the next creature on the list, the Tasmanian Devil, was not on show for our visit. Hmmm, all the other animals showed up for work, but Taz couldn't be arsed. You see what happens. You make a few cartoons for Warner Brothers and suddenly you forget your roots. Bastard.

The wombat, on the other hand, was a fella who knew how to work his audience. He'd been raised by people, so they brought him out and you could stroke and touch him.

Our wombat wandered around, patiently let us stroke and otherwise abuse him, then took his bow at the end of a splendid show. Good lad. Roos, take note.

Wombat fact: Wombats have a thick plate of cartilage on their arse. When threatened, they run into their tunnels and their arse armour protects them from attackers. Sometimes they can whack the predator with their arse too, which has been known to kill them. What a way to die; killed by a wombat's arse.

We also saw some dingos. They're just dogs though, so it was hard to get excited about. also a range of lizards, snakes and other nasties.

Oh, a standout snake was the death adder. How cool a name is that? You certainly wouldn't get teased about that at adder school. The puff adder, on the other hand...

Incidentally, the death adder likes to hide in piles of leaves. Exactly the kind of piles of leaves, in fact, that people like me like to kick through going 'wheee'.

Now you know why I won't leave the city.

Anyway, there were loads of other animals, but these are the highlights. You want more? Tough, I'm not David fucking Attenborough you know.

Right, that's it for now. Hope you are all well and things are picking up weather-wise in the UK.

Oh and keep the comments coming. I do like to hear from you all, and not just because I can scoff because you're all at work. Although I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a part of it.

Word of the day: Platypusary. A custom-built home for your platypus.

posted by Peter The Great @ 9:09 PM