The Archive

The theatre – a review

I missed an ex-colleagues amateur dramatics group putting on a play the other night.

However, don’t think not seeing the thing is going to stop me from having an opinion on it. And yes, it will be a negative and sarcastic opinion. How can I do this? Simple, it’s amateur dramatics, and amateur dramatics are the same the world over.

Every time, in every group you’ll find the same characters popping up time and time again. So it’s only a matter of time before you can stay at home and still review the play, because you know exactly who’s going to be in it…

The lead part is played with gusto by Bob. Bob is the only actor in the company who can actually act. This is possibly because he is entirely friendless (the other actors resent his talent) so can spend hours at home alone going through his lines, honing them to perfection.

The result of this is that, whilst his own lines are perfect, he barrels through them with absolutely no regard for what any of the other actors might be doing. God help them if anyone else muffs a line.

Bob: I say. Is that the vicar coming? Quick, hide in the closet.
Ethel (skipping ahead a few pages): Oh no. But I’m allergic to chamomile.
Bob: What do you mean too full? Don’t be ridiculous. Get in there. (shoves Ethel in closet).

Still, Bob can be forgiven this as, being the only member of the cast with any sense of comic timing, his jokes are the only one liable to raise a smile.

The aspiring lead is Anthony. He has all the characteristics we associate with amdram. He’s upper middle class and sounds it; his voice has an amazing carrying quality such that, in a crowded room, he’s the only person you can hear; and he lacks any discernable acting talent whatsoever.

But what he lacks in talent he makes up in enthusiasm. Anthony delivers a performance so full of desperate-to-please gusto, to criticise him is like kicking a puppy for jumping up at your leg. Fortunately, I like kicking puppies, so I’ll say that this man’s shrill mugging is as entertaining as bowel cancer.

The sexy female part is always played by Camilla. Camilla is more than willing to strip down to her undies ‘for her art’ and consequently has played the vampish female in all productions since she joined. That Camilla is five feet four, weighs fourteen stone and picked up all her ‘sexy’ moves from Miss Jones in Rising Damp is never, never mentioned by any of the other cast for fear that if she leaves, they’d be the ones running around a cold stage in their pants.

The rest. Whatever the play, whoever the actors, the rest of the performers will be a rag bag of the talentless, the friendless and the hopeless. Each will struggle hard against their own, personal shortcomings to turn in a watchable performance. Each will fail.

But don’t worry, because they can rely on….

The audience. This is always made up entirely of the rest of the theatre company who aren’t in this particular play so a round of wildly enthusiastic applause is guaranteed. Also, at the after show party they can be relied on to assure each actor that they were ‘a triumph’ and ‘a tour de force’.

Then as soon as the cast are out of earshot they’ll comment on how the whole thing ‘didn’t really work’, that Bob 'hadn't really got under the skin' of his character and speculate about Camilla’s weight gain.

So before you go to the next production, ask yourself this, “Am I lonely? Do I need the approval of others more than I need my dignity? Will they let me have a part in the next play, perhaps as a tree, or an article of furniture?”

If the answer to any of these is ‘yes’ then go for it my friend, you’re just what they’re looking for.

posted by Peter The Great @ 10:09 AM