The Archive

Marine life

It turns out those wacky marines have been up to their hilarious shennanigans recently with the appearance of a video showing naked marines in fighting romp.

Now I'm all in favour of our boys letting off a bit of steam and, frankly, if our soldiers didn't like to fight, I'd be a bit worried - we're not French for God's sake.

But the thing that truly concerns me is why, whenever you hear about bullying or high jinks in the armed forces, everyone is always naked?

Actually, that's not quite true. It seems that one person was dressed as a surgeon (he's there to administer medical aid one presumes, until you read that he was the one who kicked another marine unconscious. Ran out of anaesthetic perhaps).

Another was, and this is not going to surprise anyone I think, dressed as a schoolgirl. Imagine it for a moment...


...not a pretty sight is it?

However, this gave me an idea. What if we actually replaced all our standard issue uniforms with schoolgirl outfits. Not only would you make massive savings on Kevlar, but think of the fear you'd instil in the hearts of the enemy when they saw thousands of heavily armed schoolgirls advancing on their positions.

And when you'd won, the enemy would be totally distraught. Iraq would be a different place, I tell you.

Iraqi 1: "My friend, we are defeated. Saddam is overthrown. The schoolgirls have won."
Iraqi 2: "I am so ashamed. I was considering beginnning some form of insurgency. But to be beaten by schoolgirls, perhaps we deserve to be told how things around here should run."
Iraqi 1: "I thought the same. And besides, my cousin attempted a suicide bombing, but as he approached the checkpoint he had impure thoughts brought on by the uniforms. Unwilling to sully his martyrdom, he gave up and went home."
Iraqi 2: "Yes, some of them are quite attractive aren't they?"
Iraqi 1: "Lovely legs. Must be all that marching."
Iraqis 1 and 2: "Hmmm."

Plus, the MOD can make extra cash selling the rights to a range of "The Marines of St Trinians" movies.

Everyone's a winner.

Incidentally: a total lack of incident from the big night out on Saturday. But this weekend I did learn that no matter how dubious a cab driver or his 'car' might look, you'll still gratefully get in it in an attempt to go home at 2am.

"Um, excuse me, are these fresh bloodstains all over the back seat here?"
"Yes. It's nothing to worry about. I cut myself shaving."
"In the back seat? You seem to have lost an awful lot of blood."
"Stop talking now. Put on your seatbelt."
"Right. Ok. Um, they don't normally secure with a padlock though do they?"

posted by Peter The Great @ 10:49 AM