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It was a red letter day for gullible actresses yesterday as this story about unusual auditions was in the Guardian (with thanks to Rob Sinister for the link).

Essentially, an actress auditioned for a French director who, as part of the process, asked her to undress and masturbate for him. This she did.

Twenty times.

Well, in fact the story says she took part in 20 to 30 auditions over a five year period. During this time she got a grand total of 0 (zero) parts in any films and she still didn't cotton on to the notion that there may have been something a little unusual going on.

I mean really, I know he's French and his movie is likely to be 120 minutes of nudity and smoking as a consequence, but you'd think after getting naked for a man, say, ten times, you'd begin to suspect something. Wouldn't you?

Well, let's give her the benefit of the doubt, which you can, right up to the line in the article which reveals that... "the fact Mr Brisseau masturbated in front of the actresses excludes all artistic or cinematographic motive."

So, to recap, you've done twenty auditions already, you're in a hotel room, you're naked AND the director is feverishly wringing his turkey, breathlessly muttering 'Oh yeah baby, that's it, more of that. Come on now we're nearly there.'

And what do you think to yourself? Apparently you think "That is it. I've had enough. I'll do ten more of these auditions and then, seriously, I'm out of here. I mean it."

In his defence, the director said "his idea of cinema was 'to use sexual feelings in the same way that Hitchcock used fears'." Right. Sure. Providing Hitchcock used fear as fuel for his own marathon masturbation sessions that is. Which, thinking about it, is quite likely. Dirty bastard.

Anyway, hats off to our French director (named Jean-Claude, which sounds suspiciously like a name from a third year text book. "Mon pere s'appele Jean-Claude. Il est directeur. Aussi, il est un pervert grand") for coining the phrase 'erotic audition'. You can imagine the meetings at agents' all over Paris.

"Hi, Vanessa? I've got you an audition."
"That's great. What is it? Comedy? Drama?"
"Well, sort of drama. A very strong part about a woman of character and integrity who battles the system to go undercover at a high class escort agency she believes is cover for a cell of islamic terrorists."
"Sounds great. Are they going to send a script?"
"Well, not a script as such. It's more of a pole. For you to practice on. And a bottle of oil they'd like you to test for any allergic reaction."
"Madame Agent, is this another of those erotic auditions?"
"Well, um, sort of."
click... brrrrr.

But all this aside, I think the last words should go to the lawyer representing the actresses (that's right, not one woman but FOUR were suckered in this same way)...

"They want the court to acknowledge that they were manipulated and sullied, that they are not idiots." (my emphasis).

Ok girls, you're not idiots. Now if you'd like to meet me later, I'm starting up a lingerie fashion house and you could be just the people I need to help me develop new products.

Oh, and finally, I've decided to become a film director. Drop me a line if you're interested in auditioning eh?

posted by Peter The Great @ 10:50 PM