The Archive

The crying game

It's come to my attention that there are a number of ways to cry, some more satisfying than others (thanks to Debbie Barometer for inspiring this post and much more, incidentally.)

So, for the sake of clarity, I present:

Crying Classified and Reviewed

1. The crying of a child.
Children cry all the time. It's a big, showy affair that is pulled out at the drop of a hat, or the scuff of a knee. Mostly noise-based, it consists of making as much wailing noise as possible to draw attention to yourself.

It's a fine experience with one major drawback. Generally the child is not really suffering much and simply waving a shiny thing in front of their eyes will distract and bring the crying to an immediate halt. Not good for credibility.

Good for: Children only. And little ones at that.
Overall: Useful at the time but lacking depth. 5/10.

2. Tears at the movies/weddings etc.
Either happy or sad, event-based crying such as this is quite low key and can often only be observed from a distance by the dabbing of the eyes with a handkerchief. Principally a woman's form of crying, this is easily avoided by 'bucking up' and rather than generate any pity in the observer, it just shows you up as a big girl's blouse.

Good for: The sentimental, the elderly and girly girls.
Overall: A bit unecessary really. To be avoided. 2/10.

3. Crying through pain.
This probably isn't technically crying as it's not generated by an emotion (note to men, emotions are the things we're supposed to have, but often don't. 'Being horny' doesn't count.) However, sometimes when you are in extreme pain, (at this point, imagine walking across the living room in your bare feet and not noticing the upturned plug) water does leak out of the eyes.

This is a crap form of crying as you're normally in too much pain to appreciate it.

Good for: Nothing.
Overall: Rubbish. Waste of tears. 0/10

4. The big sob.
For the moments of high emotion, sometimes there's no alternative but to break down in big, wracking sobs. This is an excellent outlet for emotion and as a form of crying is probably the best in terms of pure drama.

There are drawbacks though. Bright red eyes and snot gushing from the nose is just not attractive and tends to detract from the levels of sympathy you may otherwise garner.

Good for: After being dumped when consoled by best friend. Also movies on the Living channel.
Overall: Very good, if unattractive. Requires lots of tissue. 8/10.

5. The restrained tear.
An absolute classic. When you feel in the kind of turmoil that normally calls for the big sob, but you just don't want to show it. The jaw clenches. The fists ball into tight fists. And you don't cry. For a moment. But then, whilst your body is totally still and your face a mask, a tear leaks out from the corner of your eye and runs silently down your face and splashing to the ground.

Easily the best kind of crying ever. You look strong, but the turmoil of emotions is visible too. You don't look like you're looking for sympathy, but it's obvious you need it. And best of all, no snot.

Good for: Whilst in the process of being dumped. And whenever emotion becomes too much whilst in a public place.
Overall: The best of the bunch. Truly the king of cries. 10/10.

So there you have it. Have I missed any? Simply add to the comments. Perhaps there's one for when you lose irreplaceable Bob Dylan tickets. Ben?

posted by Peter The Great @ 11:49 AM