The Archive

24 hour party people

I looked out of my window this morning half expecting to see the burning wreckage of cars in the streets, unconscious bodies littering the pavements and traffic cones relocated into any number of 'amusing' locations.

That's right, 24 hour licensing started yesterday at midnight.

Hurrah!

Now I've spent months explaining to anyone who will listen that 'I'm an adult and can make my decisions on when to stop drinking' and 'it'll stop people from having to neck loads of beer just before closing' and 'it will promote a more balanced, sensible evening drinking culture'.

But now I feel I can finally be honest. I just want to get more wankered, for longer. I want to be able to drown my sorrows long into the night and wake up in even further-flung unfamiliar places with my face in the gutter. I want, in short, to be a better drunk.

I'm quite happy with all these things happening. After all, how many of your life anecdotes are about the time you went out, had a nice glass of wine with a couple of friends and then went home in time for Newsnight?

If your answer to that was anything more than zero, I advise you to do the decent thing and pick up a litre of absinthe and a packet of Anadin on the way home tonight.

If your answer was 'what's Newsnight?' I advise you to put the litre of absinthe down and take a long hard look at your life.

If you didn't answer the question at all, because you're currently out plying a couple of Norwegian au pairs with booze in an effort to get them to participate in a hot tub party, well, you're a better person than me.

To put it another way, which of the following would you like to have a night out with... Oliver Reed, Lou Reed or Beryl Reid?

Exactly.

Now I've seen plenty of sites which offer a questionnaire to tell you if you're drinking too much, but never have I seen one which will tell you whether or not you're drinking enough.

Until now.

Are you drinking enough? A short quiz

1. Binge drinking has been defined as drinking five or more drinks in a single session (by Alcohol Concern). So, complete the following sentence...

Five or more units is...

a) Way too much for a night. I don't like to get drunk.
b) OK on special occasions such as weddings.
c) Reasonable on special occasions such as evenings or weekends.
d) A good warm up for a night out.
e) What you get if you order the right cocktail.


2. You wake up with some memories missing from the previous night. Do you...

a) Torment yourself with your lapse in self control and never repeat the experience.
b) Ask around to find out what went on in the missing time, feeling sheepish.
c) Deny anything that is alleged, after all, anyone could have made a photo of you and that donkey in Photoshop.
d) Just get through the day. Say nothing. Ask nothing.
e) Start drinking immediately in an effort to forget that you're a sad drunk who drinks enough to forget things.


3. When you wake up in the morning, the person beside you is most likely to be...

a) Your loving partner.
b) A friend. But you know, one thing led to another, as they say in Dear Deirdre.
c) A stranger. Oh god, how did you get here? Did we...
d) A homeless. Nice of him to share his bench with you though.
e) A cellmate.


4. When choosing a drink, your first concern is...

a) Whether your hosts will be impressed by the vintage.
b) How the flavour will complement the meal.
c) A balance between the taste you like and the cost.
d) A complex calculation weighing the ratio of cost to alcohol content.
e) Whether or not it works out cheaper than drinking nail varnish remover.

5. Vodka is...

a) Essential for a good martini.
b) A good drink with tonic or orange when beer gets too bloating.
c) A quick and efficient booze to brain delivery system.
d) Best mixed with absinthe and red bull.
e) Breakfast.

So, answered them all? Good, now check your results.

You answered mostly a. You are dull. Fuck off.

You answered mostly b. Not terrible, but you really should consider drinking more. Loosen up. Let go a little. What's the worst that can happen (see mostly ds below).

You answered mostly c. You've developed a good balance. You know drinking is fun, but you also know where to stop.

You answered mostly d. Hmm. You're a party guy/girl obviously. Perhaps got a bit of a reputation? You're fun to be around, but watch out, employers can be a bit unreasonable about stuff like showing up at 9am smelling of booze and park bench.

You answered mostly e. You are probably already dead. If not, inform your doctor. Medical science needs to know.

posted by Peter The Great @ 9:34 AM