The Archive

Russian Literature and toilets

I’m a big fan of the Pravda website, largely because of their unconventional approach to translation. This results in articles with charming titles such as ‘Peculiarities of National Toilets’ . How could you possibly resist reading?

In fact, the whole site is a repository of (accidentally) poetic language. A few examples (all taken from the Pecularities of National Toilets)

"This (the toilet) is a place of bliss because it makes all people equal"
So essentially the bog is the only place communism truly triumphs.

"One may use shrubs or other secret places for free on the outskirts of the city, if there is no large trade center nearby."
I like the way this implies that pissing in the shrubs and secret places of the city centre is somehow not free.

"one may say that visiting a public toilet in Russia is a safe matter, but unpleasant surprises may happen anyway."
How true. How true.

"Muscovites may find a help from the West - in the form of a McDonald's restaurant, for example. This help is absolutely free."
Don’t believe it Ivan. The evil global corporation is just giving you free toilet to get you hooked. Then they’ll start charging. It’s the capitalist way.

Then there’s this whole paragraph, which makes me proud to be a Londoner…
"All London toilets are free, with the exception of the one at Harrods. It is easy for tourists to find them everywhere in the city: toilets are located near all museums, cathedrals and other places of interest. One may buy a package of very useful things in a London toilet: a disposable toothbrush there with a drop of toothpaste on it, a comb, a tissue and even a condom - a tourist's best friend."
Also you might find a phone number to ring ‘for a good time’ and an unconscious junkie. No toilet paper though.

And finally, the closing paragraph to this paean to toilets…
"Railway station toilets can be used as a place to start a romantic relationship too. A handsome black man came up to me at the railway station in Zurich: "I can see you are running around here looking for something, can I help you?" said he. I had to make a shy confession and answer that I was looking for a toilet. He immediately took me there and stayed to wait for me outside. Afterwards he started talking to me very enthusiastically, asking me questions about my life, myself, etc. We had to part when my train arrived."

I don’t even know where to begin with this. I realise that my Russian is hardly going to set the world on fire, but the problems here go beyond the language barrier. This woman has a man lurking outside waiting for her to come out of the toilets and she thinks this has potential as a romantic relationship?!

I think I need to move to Russia.

In the news: Congratulations are due to Elmar Weisser who, apparently, sailed to victory in the full beard freestyle category of the World Beard and Moustache championships this weekend. Nice one, beardy. (curiously, I’m having trouble finding a picture of the chap. The Internet is clearly rubbish)

This just in: Nettle tea sounds like it would be horrible doesn’t it? Well, I just had some and can say it’s actually worse than that.

posted by Peter The Great @ 10:44 AM