The Archive

Marketing masterclass

As I was wandering around the mean streets of Battersea the other day, I came across a shop that does your nails for you.

Now my first thought at this was wonderment at how you could possibly make enough money to run a whole shop doing nothing but nails. Are there really that many people out there willing to pay for this?

My second thought was amazement at just how elaborately you can have your nails done. Basically you can have anything from a simple fire engine red (in regular paint or press-on versions for the hurried hooker on the go) to a tiny reproduction of The Haywain on every finger. It's really quite impressive.

But the main thought I had was 'Holy Mother of God what the fuck is that?" when I saw what this store presumably thinks is a good way to advertise their services.



These things are terrifying. Like the pointing fingers of a dozen murdered manicurists haunting your dreams.

So, anyone fancy popping in for a quick nail-job?

No. I didn't think so.

And this isn't the only quality marketing thinking going on in my local area. Around the corner a new fast food joint has opened up. It's one of those suspiciously broad 'we sell everything from pizza to burgers to kebabs' kind of places which makes you suspect they don't do any of them very well.

Fortunately, they make up for this by being open very late, which is, after seven pints of Stella, the only thing that counts.

Anyway, the genius of this place is the name. Clearly someone had a brilliant idea for a pizza place and, when the original idea became so much more than just pizza, they just couldn't let it go.

So, now it's called...

wait for it...

The Tower of Pizza and Chicken.

Genius. You can imagine the meeting about this so clearly can't you?

"Hey, Luigi. I have-a the greatest idea for the new pizzeria. The Tower of Pizza. Get it? Like Pisa eh?"

"But Mario. The new venture. She is-a so much more than just pizza. We do everything. Even chicken."

"Is no problem Luigi. We call her The Tower of Pizza AND Chicken."

"I like this idea. Is without flaw. Let us eat meatballs and sexually harrass passing women to celebrate this decision."

I love Battersea.

posted by Peter The Great @ 8:44 AM