The Archive

Tongue in chic

Holy shit. I’ve discovered (not through much effort, I’ll admit, it was in the paper this morning) one of nature’s true nightmares.

Horrible tongue eating insect thing (scroll over the middle picture for details)

Basically, this is a bug that swims into a fish’s mouth, eats off its tongue, clamps onto the remaining stub and effectively becomes the fish’s new tongue.

Oh my God. So you’re swimming along, minding your own business and you realise that you’ve got a hideous insect instead of a tongue. There’ll be no snogging in the back seats of the fish cinema (the Fineplex?) once that’s happened to you that’s for certain.

But on reflection, I began to realise that maybe this is not such a bad thing. OK, perhaps not the insect tongue exactly, but what if you could replace other parts of your body with members of the animal kingdom?

And so, I present

The Top 5 Parts of My Body I Would Replace With An Animal.

1. Hands. First off, I’d replace at least one of my hands with a monkey. Imagine the advantages of having an extra hand, two feet and a prehensile tail at the end of your wrist. To say nothing of how cool it would be if your right hand could throw its own shit at people.
   
   
2. Feet. Let’s not go for the obvious here. I toyed with the idea of installing a couple of greyhounds for speed, or tortoises for protection. But in the end, I settled for replacing my feet with a pair of bloodhounds. "Do your feet smell?". "Why yes. Yes they do."
   
   
3. Penis. It’s not getting any use these days, so it already bears an uncanny resemblance to a hibernating slug. A big slug, obviously. A slug with a huge girth and tremendous… ok, ok I’ll stop. Still to make it a bit more useful, I’ve decided to to replace my penis with an anteater. If you can’t figure out why for yourself, I pity you.
   
   
4. Liver. Mine is basically dead already, so again, no loss. Instead, I’ll be mostly processing the toxins from my body with a tiger prawn. This, I’m (unreliably) informed, is a garbage disposal in the sea, so it’s sure to just love munching down on the filth I pour into my body.
   
   
5. Nose. This last one was a toughie. I mean, without a tongue, there’s no talking, so that ain’t going to happen. Without ears, no way to hear the cheers of my adoring fans. Eyes are required for seeing my enemies approach. This only really leaves the nose. I’ll have the bloodhounds for smelling anyway, so I’m ditching the nose in favour of a turtle. This will enable me to headbutt people in bars to devastating effect. Particularly after they’ve annoyed me by saying "Hey dude. What’s that thing on your face?"

So there it is. I’m working on the technology for creature transplants just as soon as I’ve finished work. And learning to play the guitar. And getting fit.

Oh ok, it’s not going to happen. Sorry.

posted by Peter The Great @ 11:29 AM