The Archive

Terms and conditions apply

I work in the insurance industry (for another few weeks anyway) and it has come to my attention that although you can insure stuff like cars and houses, there's really no provision for the important things in life.

Consequently, here are my suggestions for the top 3 services the insurance business should introduce to the world. (Please note, my usual 10% rule applies for all ideas used.)

Wedding Insurance. I believe this actually exists in some form, but only covers the material aspects. My version is much better. It works when the bride or groom fail to show up, whether through nerves, an accident or the sudden realisation that their chosen partner is an unbearable shrew. Quite simply, a single call to your insurer will have a new spouse-to-be, guaranteed to be as good looking or better than your current intended, couriered to the church within the hour.

This would not only help reassure nervous partners, but also create jobs for thousands of understudies who would sit at home on stand-by in full morning wear, ready for that emergency call.

Drunk Plan. A fairly straightforward one this. You just clip your policy to the outside of your jacket when you embark on your night of drinking. Then, as soon as you start to inflict light property damage, your victims can tear off a claim sheet and send in their applications to the insurance company without having to resort to kicking your head in. They may, however, still choose to kick your head in. There’s no way of insuring against that.

Dump Cover. They say there’s nothing you can do about the heartbreak of being dumped by the one you love. This is, of course, bollocks. First off, you can get yourself down to Spearmint Rhino and look at lots of ladies who are, let’s face it, far hotter than your girlfriend ever was. And that costs money. So, I’m inventing this policy which will pay out for three trips to strip joints, including booze and lap dances, but with no refunds for dances missed because you just ended up crying and talking about your ex when you could have been staring close-up at jiggling breasts.

There will also be an upgrade to this policy which will include a fat biker who will travel in the middle of the night to wherever you are and punch you in the face every time you drunkenly ring your ex. It’s the only way you’ll learn.

And yes, I realise this product only really works for men. I’m sure there’s an equivalent for women which, I don’t know, pays for loads of chocolate or something. You’ll have to sort yourselves out girls (hard to believe I don’t have a girlfriend isn’t it?).

I can’t help but feel all this is only the tip of the iceberg, so I may return to this. And if there are any venture capitalists reading who fancy getting rich on this obviously unexploited niche, get in touch eh?

And also, on the subject of my freakish and cynical approach to the battle of the sexes - think gladiatorial combat with with wine and flowers instead of a trident and a net… no, hang on, I feel a digression coming on. Does anyone out there really think that net thing that the gladiators got to fight with was any good at all? Clearly you’d be lucky to bag a goldfish with the fucking thing, let alone dispatch a well-armed foe. And I know that bloke gets a trident too, but that’s a bit of a comedy weapon as well isn’t it? Why not give the poor bastard a pitchfork and a smock and have done with it?

And how does all that work? Is it a tombola for the good weapons? Or is there a big gladiator bundle for them before kick off? And was there any limit to the kind of weapons on offer?

"Hey man. What did you get?"
"A sword and a shield. Fuckin’ A! What about you?"
"I got the net."
"Oh shit man. Bummer. And the trident?"
"Came free with the net."
"Sorry dude."
"Nah, it’s not so bad. That guy over there got salad tongs."

Sorry, that was off the point. Anyway, all I wanted to say was I’m planning a social experiment, so watch this space. Both of you.

posted by Peter The Great @ 7:48 PM