The Archive

Squashed tomatoes and stew

It’s my birthday tomorrow, so to celebrate my survival for 34 years I’d like to share with you a few things I have learned along the way. Remember, I’ve made all these mistakes so you don’t have to.

Things I’ve learned…

1. Nothing good has ever happened in the part of the night you don’t remember in the morning. Just leave it.
   
2. Getting rid of the giant spider in the bath is the only way left to ‘rescue’ a maiden in the modern world. Do it at every opportunity (even though you, secretly, are also terrified of the thing).
   
3. The answer does not lie at the bottom of a glass. Try the back of the book instead.
   
4. Ridicule is nothing to be scared of.
   
5. A slavering bulldog is something to be scared of.
   
6. and he’s definitely not more scared of you than you are of it.
   
7. A woman will be happy when you buy her flowers, but deep down she’ll be wondering what you’ve done.
   
8. ‘Cuddly’ is just another word for ‘fat’.
   
9. If you give the homeless money, they’ll spend it on drugs. So if you have any spare drugs, try giving those instead.
   
10. Swearing is funny.
    
11. If you’re about to say something that begins ‘don’t take this the wrong way but…’ consider not saying it at all.
    
12. Nobody who types lol is actually laughing.
    
13. More than one exclamation mark is too many.
    
14. When a man you’ve never met before suddenly gives you flowers, that’s a bit odd. He’s probably a sex offender.
    
15. Birmingham is not as horrible as you might think.
    
16. For evil to triumph, it is enough that good men do nothing. And a sinister amulet unearthed from an ancient tomb will probably help too.
    
17. Sleep with your female friends. It’s fun.
    
18. yes, that includes you, girls.
    

So, that’s it. Happy birthday me.

Female readers, feel free to improvise a gift, perhaps by sending me a picture of you naked in the shower. Or just your breasts. I’m good with both.

posted by Peter The Great @ 11:02 AM