The Archive

The real CSI

(Today's post is dedicated to Debbie Barometer, who is splendidly hung over this morning. Debbie is a good friend and a fine looking woman. I can always tell whether I am happy or depressed because when I'm feeling good, I fancy the arse off her, and when I'm down, I don't. Hence Barometer.)

Now I enjoy forensics as much as the next man (providing the next man enjoys it a bit but isn’t like, actually working in forensics or something) but let’s face it, watching CSI hasn’t made me capable of solving bizarre and intricate crimes.

This is mostly because there aren’t many bizarre and intricate crimes occurring in the Battersea area (that I am aware of).

However, when waking up in the morning with little or no recollection of the previous night, you can piece together your activity with a little bit of effort and a few pieces of key evidence.

Item 1. Location.
If you’ve woken up at home, in bed, that’s a good sign.
If you’ve woken up at home, on the living room floor, not so much.
If you’ve woken up in a field, it probably means trouble. Likewise any small room with bars on the window.

Item 2, dress.
If you’re in your normal nightwear, excellent.
If you’re in the clothes you wore last night, dubious.
If you’re still wearing shoes, oh dear.

Item 3 external signs.
Dodgy nightspot The Clapham Grand has one thing going for it. When they stamp your hand as you leave the place, the ink says, quite clearly The Grand. This is an excellent thing for drunks like me, who can then know with confidence where they have been the night before. Other clubs, who insist on random and/or surreal imagery for their stamps could learn a lot.

Item 4, mobile phone call register.
Nobody likes doing this, but the people you call whilst limb-looseningly drunk will tell you a lot about your state of mind.
Calling friends means you were a fun drunk (although perhaps not in the mind of the mate you wake up at 1am insisting he come out).
Calling family means you probably got a bit wistful and maudlin but that’s fine.
Calling an ex means you were probably crying and should purchase a revolver and do the decent thing as soon as possible.

Texts and emails are great (meaning horrific, but informative) as they’ll tell you with whom you communicated, when and, crucially, what you said. This will help when it comes to making your apologies.

Finally, and this could be just me, if you wake up to find your computer on and open at a page of ‘massage parlour contacts’ and your wallet fat with twenty pound notes, you probably passed out just in time.


In the news: The Office of National Statistics has revealed that only four in ten people believe official statistics. But I’m not sure I believe that. (I apologise, I'm sure this joke has been made a million times already. I wonder if the ONS has something on that.)

Also, apparently passengers on a plane with a stuck undercarriage (which seems to be happening a lot lately) watched the drama unfold on the in-flight television. You’d think you’d have enough to worry about without wondering if you really will look ten pounds heavier when your death in a ball of fire appears on the box. Personally, I’d have switched over to Mr Bean.

posted by Peter The Great @ 10:07 AM