The Archive

Ouch

OK, I’m entirely hung over today so I’ll keep it short. Firstly, I’d like to pass on to you what I’ve learned.

1. If you’re at a dinner party and the talk turns to home improvements, start drinking heavily.

2. Once you’ve started drinking heavily, don’t forget to stop before you forget your own name and urinate in a rubber plant in the corner of your host’s living room.

3. You can’t blame a wet spot in the corner of the living room on the dog if your host doesn’t have a dog. And if she was sitting right there on the sofa when you did it.

Take these lessons with my blessing.

Also, at work I managed to find another random phrase of poetic beauty. Well, not quite, but how good is this sentence from our friends at the ASA…

"They said they had scrutinised the advertisement before publication and did not believe the model had an erect penis and was not therefore holding it."

I don't know what it is I like best about that sentence. I think it's the 'therefore'. It sounds a kind of note of triumph, like a lawyer making a singularly impressive point in his summing-up.

Lawyer (fingers hooked into his robe in that Lawyery way): And finally, my client did not have an erect penis and therefore could not possibly have been holding it.

Oh, also I read in the paper today that Britain's consumption of booze has increased 5% in the last five years. Looking back over my last five years, I can't quite banish the nagging suspicion that this is somehow my fault.

That’s it for today, and frankly you’re lucky to get that, so stop moaning and get back to work.

posted by Peter The Great @ 3:49 PM