The Archive

Introducing… the misery diet.

Good news everyone. I’m finally doing something about the weight I managed to gain since adopting a diet consisting almost entirely of export strength lager. And by export strength, I do mean export to Russia, where anything less than 5% is considered water.

Better news, it's going to be easy, using my own, patented dieting technique.

And even better, I’m going to share the secret with you all. The diet itself is really very simple, but I can’t stress enough the importance of preparation.

First, meet a woman you like. Spend a lot of time with her. Learn to care for her on an emotional level beyond the normal “Are you still here? It’s morning already. Get out.” (well, that’s normal for me anyway).

Then, and this is important, spend even more time with her. Get even more into her (in every sense). Suddenly find yourself happy to walk along the street holding hands, even though you have a history of assaulting couples with an uprooted Give Way sign for doing exactly the same thing.

Marinade in happiness for at least six months.

Have you done that? Good. By this time, you will of course have lost no weight at all. But as I said, it’s all in the preparation.

Now, have the woman dump you. Preferably, this will come as a surprise. Not surprise like discovering George Michael’s gay, surprise like your company announcing they’ve been monitoring your emails for the last year and will be pressing charges.

That’s it. You’ve done it. Now you’ll discover that not only are you not eating, you don’t want to eat. Even the thought of food will make you feel sick and the pounds will just fall off.

And best of all, it doesn’t cost a penny*.

So what are you waiting for weight watchers? Get to it.

*Does not include intensive therapy, country and western cds or your dignity

posted by Peter The Great @ 9:14 AM