The Archive

Bland of brothers

Realising how bland and meaningless my life is, I decided to check out the interweb for ideas as to what I should do to fill the yawning void I have in place of a soul.

Thus I stumbled upon the site Things to do before I die.

Nice idea for a site and it even has a couple of good suggestions on it. However, I’ve noticed that the stories/suggestions seem to fall into three categories:

• Visit (insert exotic destination here). I’m sorry, but it’s supposed to be a list of things to do. Just going places doesn’t do it for me I’m afraid. After all, most of the people I know who insist on the importance of travel live in London – a town which 27million people every year deem sufficiently interesting to travel to visit .
  
  
• Do (insert highly personal/impossible suggestion here). ‘Have dinner with JD Salinger’! Oh sure, I’ll get on that right away. ‘Visit Sophie (33, London)’s Grandfather’s birthplace’. Sorry Soph, but I’m afraid I just don’t care where your grandaddy was born. All in all, these suggestions are just not very helpful. And my personal favourite of all of these… ‘Come out of the closet’. Hmmm.
  
  
• Do (insert painfully worthy activity here). I’m sure helping the homeless is grand and fulfilling, but you have to understand that I am a) shallow b) selfish and c) incapable of taking anything seriously. So no chance there then.
  
  

So at the end of this, I realised what the world needed was…

My top 5 things you really need to do before you die.

1. Visit a prostitute. You don’t have to sleep with her. Hell, you could just chat if you like, but at least once in your life feel the sense of excitement and trepidation that come when you enter the door that says ‘Model, 2nd floor’.
   
   
2. Drink absinthe. Not that it’s nice. Actually, it’s a vile poison akin to drinking a glass of mouthwash. But you should try it at least once.
   
   
3. Have sex outdoors. Liberating, sensual and, if you pick the right spot, with the frisson that comes with knowing you could possibly be caught. Highly recommended.
   
   
4. Steal something. Now I don’t normally recommend criminal activity (and no, prostitution is not illegal) but at least once in your life (and preferably at most once, as well) you should experience the heart-pounding excitement of theft. Of course, you can also then enjoy the subsequent stomach-churning guilt too, which tells you that, deep down, you are not one of life’s natural criminals. It’s quite reassuring.
   
   
5. Go hungry. An odd one this, I admit, but you haven’t really lived until you know what it’s like, on however small a scale, to be hungry but unable to get anything to eat. It’s an eye opener.
   
   

Right you lot, these things are all easily achievable whatever your sitation, so get out there and start living*.

*Actually don’t do any of these things or I’ll end up getting sued. In fact, don’t do anything. Just sit where you are. Don’t move.

After all, 8 out of 10 accidents happen in the home. And not just any home, your home. Christ, you’re living in a deathtrap. Frankly, it’s a miracle you made it this far.



Big interview mistake – volume II
It appears it’s not just me who sometimes says the wrong thing in interviews. President Bush has nominated John Roberts for a position on the supreme court.

Naturally, there’s something of an interview process that goes with this. So, in a questionnaire he has stated that he had ‘no recollection’ of being a member of the Federalist Society.

Fair enough. Except for the tiny detail of his having been on the steering committee of the Society’s Washington chapter in 1997. But how can you be expected to remember every little detail?

John Roberts nominated for Supreme Court



Quote of the day.
From the movie Asylum (quote stolen from Roger Ebert’s review of the film). Context – a boss talking to a member of his staff.

Max: "May I remind you that I am your superior?"

Peter: "In what sense?"

posted by Peter The Great @ 11:40 AM